The Not-So-Green Realities of Vertical Farming

High Costs and Limited Crop Variety

Vertical farming isn’t just about stacking plants; it’s about stacking expenses. The initial setup requires specialized equipment like hydroponic systems and grow lights, leading to high startup costs. Additionally, only a limited number of crops, such as leafy greens and herbs, can be grown economically in these systems. ​Mottech & verticalfarmingplanet.com

Energy Consumption

These farms rely heavily on artificial lighting and climate control, resulting in significant energy use. Critics argue that the massive energy costs make the practice far less eco-friendly than its branding suggests. ​Wikipedia & The Guardian

Economic Viability

Despite technological advancements, the economic feasibility of vertical farming remains questionable. High operational costs and limited crop diversity have led to the bankruptcy of several companies in the sector, including AeroFarms and AppHarvest. ​WIRED

Vertical Farming: The High-Tech, High-Rise Lettuce Cult That Went Bankrupt

Lettuce Pray

In a tragic twist that absolutely no one with a calculator saw coming, vertical farming darling Plenty has filed for bankruptcy after raising nearly $1 billion in venture capital. Yes, one billion—with a B, as in “boy, did we misjudge how much kale people want.”

According to TechCrunch, Plenty—a company whose name now seems ironic—had the bold vision to revolutionize agriculture by stacking crops vertically in sleek indoor towers. The concept was simple: eliminate the messiness of nature, the inconvenience of sunlight, and the outdated practice of dirt.

But somewhere between their TED Talk and their bankruptcy court filing, the dream wilted faster than a spinach leaf under an office lamp.

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A $1 Billion Salad Bar

Let’s do the math: $1 billion in funding divided by the number of salads produced equals… a very expensive crouton.

The idea behind vertical farming was noble. “Let’s feed the world using skyscrapers, LED lights, and hydroponic systems operated by guys named Dylan with degrees in Environmental Blockchain,” said every pitch deck.

But in practice, vertical farms turned out to be a cross between a greenhouse and a Tesla showroom—slick, self-congratulatory, and prone to system failure when the Wi-Fi went out.

Even worse, the product was mostly lettuce. Just… lettuce. Not tomatoes. Not potatoes. Lettuce. America doesn’t even like salad unless it’s buried under cheese, bacon bits, and existential dread.

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What the Funny People Are Saying

“If your business plan requires turning a warehouse into a disco for arugula, maybe you’re in the wrong business.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“They said they were growing food for the future. Turns out they were just farming investor tears.” — Ron White

“I love how vertical farming said, ‘What if we could do farming… but more expensive and less effective?’” — Sarah Silverman

“This is what happens when you let an app design your food supply.” — Chris Rock

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Farming Without Farmers: A Brave New Wrong

Traditional farms have farmers. Vertical farms have software engineers in Patagonia vests arguing about firmware updates while the basil dies behind them.

In one now-deleted LinkedIn post, a Plenty employee said:

“We’re rethinking what it means to grow food.”

You sure are, Karen. Unfortunately, the broccoli isn’t interested in your UX design.

Witnesses say plants in these vertical towers began staging silent protests by refusing to photosynthesize under fluorescent lights. “These plants are used to sunlight, rain, and dirt,” said Dr. Marla Persimmon, a plant psychologist (not real, but honestly could be). “They’re not meant to grow next to a Wi-Fi router and a foosball table.”

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LED Your Lettuce Grow

At the core of vertical farming is the belief that sunlight is for chumps. Instead, these startups used rows of energy-intensive LED lights—because what the planet really needed was more electricity demand from boutique salad startups.

To maintain optimal growing conditions, vertical farms became climate-controlled bunkers with the carbon footprint of a small cruise ship. One expert noted:

“It’s ironic that in trying to create sustainable farming, they created the least sustainable form of farming imaginable.”

According to a fake but emotionally accurate study from the University of WeRegretThis, a single head of vertical-farmed lettuce requires the same electricity as running a PlayStation 5 for 76 hours. And both leave you feeling empty inside.

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Rise and Fall of the Kale Kingdom

Vertical farming’s decline mirrors that of many other tech fantasies: Start with a basic need—food, shelter, social connection—and say, “What if we overcomplicate this with venture capital and zero business model?”

The result? Lettuce that costs $12 a head, grown in a converted warehouse in San Francisco’s Tenderloin District, delivered by a bike courier who once studied permaculture and now has IBS.

A recent Twitter poll (which we conducted with no methodology) asked:

Would you pay $10 for vertically farmed arugula if it had a “clean carbon footprint”?

Results:

• 73%: “What’s arugula?”

• 15%: “No.”

• 7%: “Only if it’s NFT-backed.”

• 5%: “This is why I miss the Dust Bowl.”

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Soil: Still Undefeated

Here’s the dirty little secret of vertical farming: it turns out, plants like dirt. And sun. And wind. And not being stacked like IKEA flatware under industrial UV rays.

As one skeptical Iowa farmer put it:

“We’ve been growing corn for 200 years with dirt and rain. I don’t need a Silicon Valley bro to tell me I’ve been doing it wrong.”

In fact, some vertical farms began adding dirt to their hydroponic systems in 2024 in what they called “terrestrial substrate innovation.” In other words: soil. They reinvented soil. Like tech companies who rebranded buses as “shared mobility pods.”

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Helpful Content: Should You Start Your Own Vertical Farm?

Absolutely! But only if:

• You hate money.

• You’re allergic to sunlight.

• You have unresolved trauma about horizontal surfaces.

• You think basil should cost $48/pound.

• You enjoy explaining to investors why your lettuce needs a dev team.

And remember: if you do go bankrupt, just rebrand your operation as a “climate-forward urban foliage laboratory.” VC money flows fastest when there are no clear nouns.

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Investors React: “We Thought This Was Like Bitcoin But Green”

One early investor in Plenty, who asked not to be named because he’s now working at a candle store, shared his regrets:

“They said they were disrupting agriculture. Turns out they were just disrupting my retirement.”

The collapse of Plenty follows similar flameouts from other vertical startups like AeroFarms and AppHarvest—proof that if you build it and nobody wants your overpriced kale, they will not come.

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In Memoriam: A Salad That Reached for the Stars

Vertical farming will always hold a special place in our hearts—right next to juicing, Theranos, WeWork, and the idea that humans can live on Mars if we just wear the right hoodie.

It wasn’t all bad. For a brief, shining moment, vertical farms gave us hope. Hope that we could outsmart nature. Hope that we could feed the planet sustainably with a fleet of hydroponic towers glowing like radioactive lava lamps.

But in the end, we learned an important lesson: just because you can grow microgreens inside a shipping container doesn’t mean you should.

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Final Thoughts from Our Philosophical Dairy Farmer

“There’s no app for manure,” he said, placing a gentle hand on a cow named Ethics. “There’s just hard work, soil, and knowing when to walk away from a $1 billion arugula Ponzi scheme.”

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Funny (but legally binding) Disclaimer

This article is a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings—the world’s oldest tenured professor and a 20-year-old philosophy major turned dairy farmer. Any resemblance to real plants, venture capitalists, or techno-optimist lettuce cults is purely coincidental. No LEDs were harmed in the making of this satire. The soil remains undefeated.

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