Putin Announces New Plan to ‘De-Nazify’ Mars Just in Case

Extraterrestrial Ideologies Under Review

In a declaration that left international pundits scratching their heads and astronomers checking their calendars, President Vladimir Putin announced an unprecedented initiative: a plan to “de-Nazify” Mars. Yes, you heard it—putting an end to potential Martian fascism before it even begins. “We cannot take any chances,” Putin stated in a press conference that felt more like a plot twist in a low-budget sci-fi flick.

According to Kremlin insiders, the plan is a contingency measure. “If Earth’s political chaos teaches us anything, it’s that even Mars might develop an affinity for outdated ideologies,” explained a top official using words like “strategic” and “preemptive” as if discussing the weather.

Political scientists have been quick to weigh in. Dr. Igor Redstar, a noted expert in interplanetary politics, commented, “If there’s one place where totalitarian ideas could ferment, it’s on a planet with zero oversight.” In a related study, a survey of 2,000 space enthusiasts found that 65% believed Mars had a “dark side”—and not just its lack of atmosphere.

Critics have panned the plan as an extravagant distraction. “De-Nazifying Mars? What’s next—de-communizing Venus?” quipped one veteran journalist. Meanwhile, a series of mock polls on social media revealed that 78% of users were more concerned about their daily tweets than the political leanings of our red neighbor.

A former astronaut, now a prominent public figure, recalled, “When I saw Mars through the window of the Soyuz, I only wished for a decent Wi-Fi signal. Now, it seems we’re retrofitting the planet with ideological filters.” Even the international community is abuzz: a leading European leader remarked, “We’ve dealt with terrestrial ideologies for decades. It’s time we expand our purview to cosmic real estate.”

Despite the outcry, Putin’s plan is moving forward with military precision—literally. The Russian Space Agency has reportedly allocated funds for robotic missions aimed at “scanning for extremist symbols” on Martian terrain. Meanwhile, conspiracy theorists on Russian forums now argue that ancient Martian ruins might have been used as propaganda by a lost civilization.

As the world grapples with the implications of planetary decontamination, one thing is clear: Mars is about to get a makeover that might rival any Hollywood CGI spectacle. And as Putin sums it up with a smirk, “Better safe than sorry—especially when your neighbor might be a space nazi.”

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