Prince George Gets Drunk on Mead Spritzers, Tells Entire Palace to F* Off**
It’s like Prince Harry walked so George could moonwalk.
LONDON—In what sources are already calling “The Tanqueray Tirade,” Prince George reportedly stood atop a spiral staircase in his seaside estate—wearing a velvet cape and holding a goblet engraved with “Daddy’s Juice”—and unleashed a profanity-laced declaration of royal independence.
“Y’all can sod off. Granny’s dead, granddad’s dusty, and Daddy’s boring. I’m the vibe now!” he shouted, while orchestral dubstep blasted from hidden ceiling speakers.
Witnesses say the outburst began after George attempted to mix his own “Ye Olde Jungle Juice”, which included a splash of orange cordial, vintage sherry from the Queen’s private stash, and an entire Red Bull. He dubbed the drink “The Windsor Wake-Up.”
According to Sir Crispin Blunderwhack, the estate’s Butler of Ceremonial Crisis, George took three sips, declared himself “the sovereign of serotonin,” then flung a sausage roll at a portrait of King Charles.
“He hit the old man right in the ascot,” Blunderwhack confirmed. “Then demanded we convert the throne room into a wet bar.”
Royal Fallout: The Group Text Goes Nuclear
The Royal Family’s private group chat—already rattled by the Champagne Dungeon—imploded.
Charles:
“George, enough. Go to your wing.”
George:
“My wing? I own the f***ing aviary.”
Kate:
“This is not how we raise heirs. Apologize to your tiara.”
George:
“Mummy, your chakras are misaligned and your eyebrows are giving colonizer.”
Harry:
“Honestly… same.”
Buckingham Palace Issues Official Statement
Within hours, the palace released a carefully worded press release on monogrammed parchment, written in 18th-century diplomatic English and translated below:
“While Prince George remains a beloved member of the Royal Family, he is currently engaging in a period of expressive exploration, fueled by sparkling beverages and poor judgment. We ask the public to respect his privacy while he sobers up and stops referring to himself as ‘King Lit.’”
Public Reactions: Divide the Nation Like It’s Brexit II
One angry Daily Telegraph reader wrote:
“He is no longer our prince. He is a lad on the lash. My taxes shall not fund his foam parties.”
Meanwhile, on TikTok, Gen Z rallied to his defense:
“LEAVE GEORGE ALONE. He’s serving bottle service and BDE. That’s diplomacy.” — @royalratchet22
And from a minor noble in Wiltshire:
“Honestly, I blacked out at Ascot last year and told my uncle to duel me in the stables. This is just part of aristocratic puberty.”
Prince George Moves to Party Town: The Crown Jewel of Clubbing
The Royal Rager Begins
Sources inside Buckingham Palace confirmed early Sunday morning that Prince George, aged 10¾ with a developing taste for trouble, has officially left home. But unlike most tweens moving out for a gap year filled with kombucha and mild rebellion, George is skipping the backpacking and has gone straight for the bottle service.
The third in line to the throne has reportedly acquired a sprawling estate in one of the U.K.’s most notorious party towns. The town’s name has been redacted from official documents but is widely believed to rhyme with “Newquay.” With foam parties on Tuesdays and “Wine & Weep Wednesdays,” it’s a town where sobriety is considered antisocial behavior.
This move, insiders say, is Prince George’s “rite of passage” — or what his grandmother Queen Elizabeth II might’ve called “Thursday.”
More Than a Teenage Rebellion—It’s Real Estate Therapy
At 11, Prince George has what every British commoner dreams of: property. In fact, he has three of them. Royal documents leaked to the press list a 14-bedroom manor, a waterfront flat with mirrored ceilings, and a Georgian townhouse legally declared a “Ministry of Vibes.”
The Sunday Times Style section described the main estate as “Versailles with a stripper pole.” The wine cellar holds a curated collection of preposterous pinots selected by an exiled Sommelier from Monaco known only as “Clive.”
“George’s portfolio was designed around emotional maturity,” Clive reportedly said while swirling a glass of something amber and judgmental. “Every estate reflects a different trauma.”
Expert Opinions: The Royal Freudening
We asked Dr. Melanie Fuselshaft, child psychologist and author of Your Teen’s a Tyrant Because You Let Him Watch You Cry, to weigh in.
“It’s a textbook case of affluenza,” she explained. “Except instead of buying a car or getting a tattoo, Prince George bought an entire postal district and renamed it ‘Ye Olde Wet Republic.’ That’s not a symptom — that’s diagnosis with a DJ booth.”
According to a study published by the University of Oxford’s Department of Youth Rebellion and Absurd Spending, 64% of aristocratic pre-teens express emotional displacement through real estate. In layman’s terms: If your bedtime is 8pm but your trust fund matures at midnight, you’re going to throw ragers.
The Champagne Dungeon: Where Childhood Dies and EDM Begins
Perhaps most telling of Prince George’s emotional arc is the estate’s “Champagne Dungeon” — a fully soundproof, disco-lit cellar with velvet walls, chrome swings, and a rotating guestlist of reality stars, TikTok influencers, and one Albanian prince who thinks he’s Harry Styles.
“We saw His Royal Highness order six magnums of Moët and a chicken nugget tower,” said club promoter and part-time astrologer Skyei Wiggledrum. “That’s leadership. That’s vision.”
The room is legally designated as a “Wellness Retreat” thanks to a technicality in U.K. zoning laws and a £2 million bribe to the Planning Commission delivered in a tote bag marked “Not a Bribe.”
Eyewitness Account: The Vape Heard ‘Round the Monarchy
An anonymous royal bodyguard, who goes by the code name “Sconebreaker”, described the turning point:
“It started with a vape. One puff of Sour Grape Moonblast in the hallway of Kensington Palace. Suddenly, he’s yelling, ‘Call my lawyer. I’m buying a hot tub and a town!’”
The bodyguard claims Prince William attempted to confiscate the vape but was told, quote, “Don’t touch me, peasant. I have eight NFTs and a private chef named Dax.”
In response, William reportedly muttered, “I hope he gets audited.”
Public Opinion: Is Britain Ready for a Party Prince?
We conducted a completely unbiased online poll titled: “Should Prince George Be Allowed to Live Like a DJ in Ibiza If That’s What His Heart Says?”
Yes, he’s just a child: 9%
No, he should do it with fewer sequins: 13%
I thought this was about Meghan Markle: 78%
The Daily Mail’s comment section erupted with fury, some of which we’ve translated into English:
“At that age I was polishing boots and hiding my accent. He’s out here buying bungalows with a debit card!” — Reginald P., Wolverhampton
“It’s clearly the fault of American pop culture. Ever since that Baby Shark nonsense, he’s been different.” — Cynthia R., Portsmouth
“Why is nobody talking about what this means for Brexit?” — Dave H., always Dave H.
A Prince Among Influencers
Prince George has quickly become a fixture on influencer social circuits, especially after launching his new IG account: @GiorgioOfHouseWindsor.
In his bio:
“Trust funder. Capricorn. Monarch in the streets, marquess in the sheets.”
His posts include mirror selfies with ironic captions like “Just a lad in my £11.7M panic room” and “Missed the coronation but made the afterparty.”
He was recently spotted hosting a beach rave under the pseudonym “DJ G-String of Succession.”
“It’s about more than music,” said his spiritual guide and crystal supplier, Mx. Tremulant. “It’s about chakra domination.”
From Tea Parties to Tequila Shooters
The transition from “tea with Paddington Bear” to “tequila with Pixie Lott” has not gone unnoticed by the Royal Family. King Charles reportedly referred to his grandson as “a firecracker in Crocs” and “proof the bloodline is diversifying.”
The Archbishop of Canterbury issued a public statement reminding the public that “the path to enlightenment is paved with moderation, charity, and the occasional blackout.”
To which George replied in a leaked group chat:
“Ok boomer.”
George’s Inner Circle: Who’s Enabling This?
Insiders claim the real mastermind behind Prince George’s reinvention is his new manager — a 24-year-old former contestant on Love Island named Kai Kai West.
Kai Kai has rebranded George’s image as “an heir with hair gel” and is reportedly in talks for a Netflix docu-reality series tentatively titled “Royally Lit: George Gets Grounded.”
“He’s Britain’s answer to Timothée Chalamet if Timothée had a polo team and unresolved ancestral guilt,” said Kai Kai, while vaping into a Fabergé egg.
Next Up: Coachella, Corgis, and Court Dates?
Prince George has been announced as the honorary host of the 2025 Coachella Royal Lounge, which will feature DJs, dance floors, and one emotionally constipated butler reciting Shakespeare.
He also plans to launch his own corgi line, described as “post-verbal canines with drip.” Each corgi will come with its own influencer account, a minimalist dog bowl, and an OnlyFans.
According to a leaked WhatsApp between George and his godfather (allegedly Ed Sheeran), the prince’s next moves include:
A memoir ghostwritten by someone who only refers to him as “Daddy George”
What the Funny People Are Saying
“I thought ‘party town prince’ was a new line of cologne. Turns out it’s just Britain now.” — Jerry Seinfeld
“If I had a dungeon at 11, it was made of Legos and trauma. This kid’s got a velvet DJ booth and a therapist who charges in cryptocurrency.” — Sarah Silverman
“God save the King. But somebody please ground the grandson.” — Larry David
SPINTAXI – A wide-aspect satirical cartoon in the style of SpinTaxi Magazine. Prince George, age 11, sits in a luxurious hot tub shaped like the British throne… – Alan Nafzger
What the Funny People Are Saying
“Prince George just bought a 14-bedroom estate at age 11. When I was 11, I was banned from the living room for farting near the cat.” — Ron White
“He says he wants to ‘find himself’ — yeah, well, I found myself once. In a Motel 6 bathroom holding a churro and crying. It’s not that spiritual.” — Sarah Silverman
“So the third in line to the throne moves to a party town? What’s next, Princess Charlotte gets a neck tattoo that says ‘God Save the Me’?” — Jerry Seinfeld
“When I was a kid, the only estate I had was a juice box and a sock drawer I called my fortress. This little dude’s got a Champagne Dungeon!” — Chris Rock
“The Royal Family used to be about duty and sacrifice. Now it’s about vibes and vape pens.” — Larry David
“You ever seen an 11-year-old order Cristal while wearing Crocs with the Union Jack? You have now. Welcome to Britain’s Got Excess.” — Ron White
“He’s already DJ’ing? I still don’t know how to download a playlist without calling my niece. He’s 11 and has better lighting than my therapist’s office.” — Amy Schumer
“Let me get this straight: the King talks to plants, the son flies helicopters, and now the grandson’s throwing warehouse raves? This isn’t a monarchy—it’s a reboot of Arrested Development.” — Jerry Seinfeld
“I can’t even afford rent and this kid owns a Georgian townhouse with a room just for mood swings?!” — Chris Rock
“Prince George said he wants to be a ‘normal kid.’ Bro, normal kids don’t have butlers with NDAs.” — Sarah Silverman
“He’s eleven. Eleven. The only thing I was doing at eleven was faking a fever to stay home. He’s faking a British accent for the club scene.” — Amy Schumer
“This kid is living like Gatsby had a baby with Pitbull. Royal by birth, ridiculous by choice.” — Ron White
SPINTAXI – A wide-aspect satirical cartoon in the style of SpinTaxi Magazine. The scene shows Prince George, age 11, at a wild nightclub called ‘The Crown & Ba… – Alan Nafzger
Prince George Moves to Party Town: The Crown Jewel of Clubbing
House of Windsor, Meet House Music
Monarch in the streets, marquess in the sheets.
Kate Middleton’s Emotional Support Yoga Instructor Responds
When news broke that Prince George had traded his royal robes for mesh tank tops and a beachfront DJ residency, palace aides say Princess Catherine reacted with “calm clarity” — which is posh code for doing downward dog while shouting into a pillow stuffed with lavender and crushed Ambien.
Her yoga instructor, Peregrine “Pez” St. Julian, issued a statement written entirely in Sanskrit font:
“Sometimes the lotus blooms in the foam pit.”
Pez later clarified that George’s chakra alignment was “prematurely awakened by jungle bass and underaged mojitos.”
Kate herself has not spoken publicly, but a source leaked a series of passive-aggressive DMs she sent her son via BeReal:
“Darling, I see your vibe. I raise you an intervention.”
“You’re a prince, not a playlist.”
“You left your dental guard at Windsor. Again.”
Leaked Group Chat: ‘The Royal Messengers’
A trove of encrypted WhatsApp messages from a royal group chat dubbed “The Royal Messengers” was obtained by SpinTaxi’s investigative team (i.e., one very drunk pub owner who found a burner phone in a Wetherspoons toilet).
Here are the highlights:
Prince William:
“He just Venmo’d the Dalai Lama and said ‘pull up.’”
King Charles:
“He renamed his estate ‘Balmoral Too.’ That’s blasphemy.”
Camilla:
“Where’s my wine?”
Meghan (muted):
“I told y’all.”
Harry:
“Is it weird I’m kind of proud?”
George:
“G2G, Boiler Room set in 15.”
Royal Advisors in Crisis: Monarchy Rebrand Incoming?
The King’s Council convened an emergency Zoom meeting to address what they are now calling “Operation Crunkspiller.” According to leaked notes, the rebranding plan includes:
Changing the family motto from “Dieu et mon droit” to “Let the beat drop”
Updating royal portraits to NFTs with ring lights
Launching a new royal fragrance called “Exile for Men”, made from frankincense and vape residue
Lord Featherbottom, a centuries-old advisor and part-time ghost, declared:
“This is worse than Charles’s tampon thing. At least that was analog.”
Academic Panel: Royal Adolescence and DJ Culture
We invited leading minds from the University of Sussex’s Department of Royal Sociology and Electronic Dance Theory for a roundtable discussion titled:
“From Coronation to Coachella: Navigating Royal Adolescence in the BPM Era.”
Dr. Lexi Scroomph, author of Thrones and Thongs: The Prince in the Party Era, broke it down:
“George’s trajectory mirrors that of every overfunded influencer. He’s essentially a less-ethical version of David Beckham’s left foot.”
Dr. Adewale Kinkaid added:
“In historical terms, this is merely the reverse of the Henry VIII arc. Henry started devout and ended up with six wives and a gout boot. George is starting with an EDM residency and may someday find God and gout simultaneously.”
Street Interviews: What the Youth Are Saying
SpinTaxi dispatched a team of vape-powered e-scooter reporters to the streets of the party town, gathering hot takes from Gen Z and Alpha citizens.
Luna, age 14, nose ring, TikTok handle @witchyfreckles:
“He follows me on Insta and left a comment that just said ‘royalty energy.’ I’m printing that on a tote.”
Declan, age 13, mullet, owns a fog machine:
“I saw him at the Sainsbury’s wearing a crown and buying Red Bull. I thought it was cosplay. Now I think it was a prophecy.”
“George told me to live my truth, then offered me a CBD gummy. He’s like… the vibe king.”
The International Response: Royals Behaving Madly
Other monarchies are reportedly concerned about the precedent being set.
Queen Margrethe of Denmark issued a diplomatic statement:
“If George hosts a rave inside Westminster Abbey, the Danes will be forced to respond with techno.”
Crown Prince Christian of Norway posted a TikTok duet of George dancing in LED cargo pants, captioned:
“This is why the fjords are melting.”
Meanwhile, a Vatican spokesperson tweeted (and deleted):
“We tried to canonize him preemptively. Then we saw the hot tub footage.”
Satirical Poll: Should Prince George Be Forced to Get a Real Job?
We ran a nationwide satirical poll with the help of FakeYouGov, a parody analytics firm founded by ex-quiz show contestants. The results:
Should Prince George have a summer job instead of a summer estate?
Yes: 41%
No: 31%
Only if it’s bartending for Pete Davidson: 28%
Would you trust Prince George to lead a nation or headline Glastonbury?
Lead nation: 12%
Headline Glastonbury: 78%
Both, simultaneously, shirtless: 10%
The 14-Year-Old Real Estate Advisor Speaks
We tracked down George’s real estate consultant, a precocious tween named Orson Picklewhip, who wears vintage Armani and says “fungible” too often.
“I told George to diversify. One estate for vibes, one for naps, and one for diplomatic immunity.”
Asked how one manages a prince’s party properties, Orson responded:
“It’s mostly hot tub maintenance, legal waivers, and once we had to discreetly relocate a camel.”
BREAKING: Buckingham Palace Releases New “Rules for Royal Youth”
As public concern mounts, the Palace has issued “The 2025 Royal Youth Conduct Charter” which includes such notable clauses as:
Article 4: No shirtless livestreams from throne-adjacent locations
Article 7: Do not shotgun a Guinness during state visits
Article 9: Corgis are not emotional support DJs
Article 12: The phrase “That’s a you problem” is no longer allowed in Parliament
Helpful Content for Concerned Commoners
How to Know If Your Child Is Also a Royal DJ in Disguise:
Suddenly insists on “bedtime beats” at 130 BPM
Refers to allowance as “liquid capital”
Cries in AutoTune
Keeps sending you photos of castles labeled “Future Airbnb”
Corrects your pronunciation of Moët
Tells you “We’re all monarchs of our own realities” after skipping school
If your child exhibits three or more of these symptoms, consult a dance therapist or have your family crest rebranded.
Prince George’s Upcoming Projects (Leaked Slide Deck)
In a series of slides allegedly meant for Netflix’s internal review, George’s next initiatives include:
Royals Unplugged: An acoustic set of state secrets
Baby Breadline: A prank show where George pretends to be broke for 11 minutes
The Windsor Weed Collection: Sativa strains named after former monarchs (e.g., “Queen Mary Jane,” “Victoria’s Secret OG”)
Each initiative is backed by Kai Kai West, who now claims to be a “Royal Cultural Strategist” and also manages three Love Island contestants and an AI version of Andrew Tate.
The Final Word from the Throne of Foam
George released a video this morning via a ring light and four rotating GoPros.
Standing barefoot on a balcony in a robe made of LED sequins, he addressed the nation:
“To my subjects: I see your judgment. I vibe with it. But I also say… let the beat guide you. The monarchy is not dead — it’s just pre-gaming.”
He then dropped a remix of God Save the King over a trap beat, moonwalked into a hot tub, and disappeared into fog machine mist.
Disclaimer
This story is a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings — the world’s oldest tenured professor and a 20-year-old philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No AI crown jewels were harmed in the making of this satire. All estates referenced may or may not exist. Champagne Dungeon is a registered trademark of Prince George’s imaginary friend.
SPINTAXI – A wide-aspect satirical cartoon in the style of SpinTaxi Magazine. The scene shows Prince George, age 11, standing dramatically at the top of a spir… – Alan Nafzger
