BREAKING: Congress Passes Bill Requiring All Politicians to Actually Read Bills Before Voting

A Monumental Leap for Legislative Literacy?

In a move that shocked exactly no one, Congress has passed a historic bill mandating that every elected politician must read the full text of a bill before casting their vote. Yes, you read that right—actual reading, not just the teleprompter scroll on a loop. The measure, dubbed the “Read-a-Lot Act,” promises to revolutionize American lawmaking by ensuring that legislators know what they’re endorsing, or at least can pretend to.

The story begins with an underdog group of frustrated voters and a few semi-literate interns who staged a symbolic protest in the Capitol rotunda. “It’s about time our representatives graduated from the ‘Cliff Notes of Legislation’,” declared local activist and self-proclaimed reading advocate, Marjorie Bookworm. According to an anonymous Congressional aide, “We tried implementing it back in 1999, but someone in the committee accidentally glued the pages together. This time, we’re serious.”

Experts across the political spectrum have chimed in. Dr. Penelope Page-Turner, a renowned literacy researcher, confirmed in a study published by the American Journal of Unread Documents that 87.4% of politicians skim rather than read. “Our research clearly shows that full comprehension of legal documents could actually lead to… well, informed decision-making,” she added with a twinkle in her eye.

An internal poll of Capitol Hill staff revealed that 73% of aides now report being forced to prepare “readable summaries” for their bosses, who claim to have “just glanced” at the bills. Meanwhile, a veteran lawmaker was overheard saying, “I always assumed the ‘fine print’ was just a myth—like honest politics or a balanced breakfast.”

In a twist that only reality could conjure, a documentary filmmaker captured the moment of the bill’s passage. “I was there when they voted ‘aye’ after reading the entire 237-page budget proposal,” said filmmaker Randy “Reader” McScroll, whose raw footage is now the talk of both social media and break rooms nationwide.

But not everyone is celebrating. Critics argue that the measure might slow down the legislative process or, worse, expose politicians to the inconvenience of actual learning. “We fear a spike in unexpected expertise on the floor,” quipped a senior Senate aide, nervously clutching a copy of the latest economic stimulus bill.

Nevertheless, the “Read-a-Lot Act” is now law, and the nation waits with bated breath—or perhaps with more coffee than usual—to see if our elected officials will actually read what they’re signing off on. In the meantime, citizens are encouraged to host “Read-Aloud Parties” and share memes of politicians squinting at legal jargon.

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