Marriage Is a Scam We Both Agreed To: 15 Pills Your Therapist Can’t Sugarcoat

WICHITA FALLS, TEXAS — Psychologist Mark Travers has blown the lid off the oldest pyramid scheme in history: marriage. According to his bombshell Forbes exposé, there are two bitter truths every couple must accept if they want their union to last longer than the honeymoon photos still stuck in your iCloud. But as SpinTaxi’s investigative team discovered, the number is actually closer to fifteen — and these truths are so uncomfortable, so outrageously inconvenient, that most couples would rather fake their own deaths than face them.

As Travers writes, love doesn’t cure delusion. But marriage? Marriage feeds it a protein shake, teaches it Excel, and gives it a joint checking account. Below, we expose the 15 marital myths ruining relationships faster than a shared Amazon Prime login.

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“You Complete Me” Is a Lie Invented by Jewelry Ads and Lonely People

The idea that your partner will “complete” you is the emotional equivalent of trying to fix a leaky roof by hiring a poet. Relationship therapists say it’s unrealistic. Neuroscientists say it’s a frontal lobe malfunction. And your ex? Your ex says you still owe them for that ceramic frog you broke in 2017.

“You don’t need another half. You need therapy, a crockpot, and a working sense of self,” says Dr. Marla Glynn, a couples therapist who only accepts clients with prenups.

A recent Pew poll found that 63% of Americans still believe their spouse should meet all their emotional needs. The same percentage also thinks cilantro tastes like soap — proving you can be wrong about multiple things at once.

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Your Spouse Is Not a Mind Reader. You’re Not That Interesting.

If communication is the bedrock of a healthy marriage, then passive-aggressive sighs are the termites. Still, millions of couples engage in a daily psychic warfare known as “you should just know.”

In a study conducted by the University of Passive Resentment, 88% of married individuals admitted to testing their partner’s love by withholding information about dinner plans. The remaining 12% were in therapy and/or prison.

“He should know I wanted Italian,” said one woman in Phoenix who later admitted she had never said the word “Italian” out loud since 2004.

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Marriage Is Not a Perpetual Honeymoon Unless You’re Both Unemployed and on Mushrooms

You thought marriage would be daily sunsets, spontaneous foot rubs, and breakfast in bed. Instead, it’s two people silently unloading the dishwasher like exhausted wartime allies.

Couples who expected their marriage to remain in the honeymoon phase were 78% more likely to cry during IKEA furniture assembly, according to data from the Bureau of Marital Statistics and Allen Wrench Fatigue.

Jerry Seinfeld once said, “Marriage is like a coffee table — it seems simple until you have to build it.” Actually, that was an Allen wrench talking, but point stands.

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Trying to Change Your Spouse Is Like Rebooting a Fax Machine With Positive Vibes

Your spouse isn’t going to suddenly become a vegan, a runner, or a morning person just because you bought them a Lululemon gift card and made green juice.

As Dr. Travers notes, “People don’t change because you nag. They change because they’re trying to sleep with someone new.”

This is confirmed by a 2024 Gallup survey, which found 42% of marital “improvement projects” end in divorce, 31% in murder podcasts, and 27% in unexplained travel to Sedona.

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If You Think It’s a Fairy Tale, Just Wait for the Wicked Stepmother

A surprising number of adults think they’re entering a Disney movie when they say “I do.” Then real life hits: your prince snores like a tractor, and Cinderella has a budget spreadsheet and chronic foot pain.

“I thought we were Belle and the Beast,” said one woman in Tampa. “Turns out we were more Shrek and Donkey.”

The biggest lie isn’t that love conquers all. It’s that there’s a talking teapot waiting to solve your problems. That’s a Keurig now, sweetheart. And it hates you.

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Agreeing on Everything Is for Cults and Podcast Hosts

If you think never arguing is a sign of a strong marriage, you’re either heavily medicated or dead.

“Disagreement is natural. So is yelling into a pillow while your partner watches cable news at full volume,” says marriage coach Hank Morrison, author of Love in the Time of Separate Bedrooms.

According to a Harvard meta-study, couples who argue effectively stay together longer. Couples who suppress conflict tend to die inside quietly, then invest in matching kayaks.

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There Is No Such Thing as a 50/50 Chore Split, Only Different Ways to Lie About It

Every household chore split starts with optimism and ends with a passive-aggressive spreadsheet.

In a landmark 2023 Stanford study titled “Who Emptied the Dishwasher Last?”, 61% of men claimed they did “most” of the cleaning, while 92% of women responded, “You’ve got to be f—ing kidding me.”

The math doesn’t add up, but neither does your shared calendar, where you’ve been “on a work call” for three years.

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Romantic Gestures Are Nice, but Try Fixing the Toilet First

Hollywood has tricked us into thinking that a well-timed bouquet will make up for forgetting your anniversary, losing the dog, and crashing the car.

But experts say grand gestures mean less if your spouse still hasn’t unclogged the drain.

“I don’t want a song,” said one woman in Spokane. “I want him to stop using the good towels to clean the barbecue grill.”

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Having Kids to Save a Marriage Is Like Starting a Fire to Stay Warm in a Tent Full of Gasoline

It’s a common misconception that children bring couples closer. In reality, they bring couples closer to bankruptcy, sleep deprivation, and arguments about whose turn it is to attend a birthday party at 9 a.m. on a Sunday.

“We thought a baby would unite us,” said one father in Oregon. “We were united… against the baby.”

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, 47% of couples with young children report a decline in marital satisfaction. The rest are lying or deaf.