Gavin Newsom Empties California Mental Institutions for “Destroy Tesla Tuesday”

An Exclusive Report from Bohiney’s Only Reporter to Wear a Straightjacket Voluntarily

California Declares Open Season on Teslas

SACRAMENTO – In a move that defies logic, gravity, and several laws of physics, Governor Gavin Newsom signed a surprise executive order authorizing the “ceremonial liberation” of over 3,000 patients from the state’s remaining mental institutions. Their mission? To wage war on electric cars in an event called Destroy Tesla Tuesday, a new tradition the Governor described as “equal parts therapy, performance art, and regenerative policy.”

Newsom made the announcement via a TikTok filmed inside a Tesla dealership, standing atop a smashed Model X while freestyle rapping over Enya. Witnesses say he was wearing war paint made from beet juice and the emotional residue of a failed Senate run.

“We’re not rioting,” Newsom declared. “We’re recalibrating society’s relationship with torque.”

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A Carefully Orchestrated Breakdown

Within hours of the executive order, psychiatric hospitals across the state began releasing patients with complimentary helmets labeled “I Am the Grid”, emotional support crowbars, and laminated maps of Tesla Supercharger stations marked with red Xs.

Patients—now legally designated as “decarbonization agents”—were instructed to express themselves “through targeted kinetic empathy.”

State officials insisted the release was “therapeutic,” noting that many participants had shown marked improvement after just one cathartic windshield smash. Several were overheard shouting phrases like “Death to Elon!” and “Tell your AI to respect my pronouns!”

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Mental Health Meets Traffic Revenge

In San Francisco, protesters overwhelmed Tesla’s flagship showroom. A crowd formed a silent circle around a red Model 3 and began humming aggressively. Then, with eerie coordination, they launched into an interpretive dance titled “Ludicrous Mode of Despair.”

The dance ended with a man dressed as Greta Thunberg tackling the hood and screaming, “I am the future, and I reject this Bluetooth coffin!”

Outside, protestors placed parking tickets on stationary Teslas that read, “Crime: Emotional Neglect.”

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Police Asked to “Stand Down and Center Themselves”

Internal memos from Newsom’s office revealed that law enforcement agencies were told not to interfere with the protests, but instead to “bear witness and validate the catharsis.”

Officers in Sacramento attempted to deescalate a mob using phrases like:

• “I hear your frustration.”

• “Would you like to discuss this over a turmeric latte?”

• “Have you considered journaling instead of looting?”

Unfortunately, one officer’s attempt at group meditation backfired when he was pelting with affirmations written on artisanal bricks.

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Elon Musk’s Orbital Nervous Breakdown

From his glass dome compound in Austin, Elon Musk responded on X, the app formerly known as whatever it was five minutes ago, with the post:

“This is an overreaction. They could’ve just unsubscribed from my vibe.”

He then retweeted a meme of a Cybertruck running over Karl Marx and issued a statement claiming Tesla would now “lean harder into consumer autonomy by installing counter-riot mode.”

Later that evening, Musk was seen walking barefoot through a SpaceX warehouse, softly whispering, “Why does no one understand me?” to a pile of unused ventilators.

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A Riot So Precise, It Had to Be Funded by Goop

Although billed as a grassroots movement, the destruction was oddly surgical. Protestors targeted LiDAR sensors, autopilot modules, and data ports with the kind of precision only seen in surgical rooms and espresso bars with 3D-printed stirrers.

Witnesses reported seeing former behavioral patients with no known tech training override Tesla’s internal logs using only a typewriter, two pigeons, and an NPR tote bag.

One woman was overheard yelling, “If your car is smarter than you, that’s a form of oppression!” before gently pouring oat milk over a Supercharger cable.

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Showrooms Transformed into Wellness Spaces

Several Tesla dealerships were overtaken and repurposed by protestors. In Santa Monica, a Model Y was filled with lavender-scented sand and turned into a grounding station called “The Mindful Motorist.”

At another location in Oakland, a Cybertruck was turned on its side and spray-painted with the words “Resist the Algorithm. Hug Your Inner Horse.”

Pop-up therapy sessions were offered to traumatized Teslas by former Reiki practitioners, who attempted to realign the chakras of vehicles suffering from emotional misalignment and “range anxiety.”

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Republican Governors Respond With Fossil Fuel Patriotism

Across state lines, red state governors erupted in coordinated, pearl-clutching horror.

Florida’s Ron DeSantis called it “proof that solar panels turn people into communists.”
Texas Governor Greg Abbott declared Tesla “an endangered species” and offered refuge to any Cybertrucks fleeing blue-state persecution.
Even Donald Trump chimed in from his Mar-a-Lago shower with, “I’ve always said it: Teslas are gay. That’s not a problem, I just think the bumpers are too smooth.”

Fox News declared it a “woke apocalypse,” while CNN held a panel titled, “Was this performance art or just Tuesday in California?”

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Market Reactions and Nervous Investors

Tesla stock plummeted briefly before rebounding after Musk announced he would release an “emotionally resilient model” with upgraded trauma software.

The Model E (Emotion) promises to:

• Validate your feelings before acceleration

• Cry if you ghost it on Bumble

• Refuse to start if it senses you’re being fake

Goldman Sachs issued a warning that read, “We are concerned Tesla has become the epicenter of America’s collective nervous breakdown—but we’re still buying.”

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Mental Health Advocates Applaud the Experiment

Surprisingly, some therapists defended the spectacle.

Dr. Willow Caraway of the Institute for Psychic Nutrition called the event “a rare opportunity to harmonize cognitive dissonance through material sabotage.”

She argued that smashing a Tesla helps the psyche express what the ego represses—mainly resentment toward Elon Musk’s Twitter addiction and the fact that “self-driving” really means “run into a mailbox in the rain.”

A patient formerly diagnosed with mania told reporters, “I feel seen. And also, the Model X I just flipped with a shovel? That thing needed to be humbled.”

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Even the Protestors Were Confused

While many protestors embraced the chaos, others expressed existential dread.

One man screamed, “I thought this was an anti-capitalist drum circle, not Grand Theft Auto: Yoga Edition!” before joining a group chanting “Our trauma is renewable!”

A woman wearing an infinity scarf made of kale sobbed into the wheel of a Model S and whispered, “I don’t even have a license.”

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Google Buses Become State Housing

With the sudden influx of released patients now facing displacement again, Newsom repurposed abandoned Google shuttle buses as mobile safe spaces.

Each bus featured:

• A mounted diffuser blasting lavender over old Wi-Fi routers

• Therapy goats

• A screen that only plays Greta Thunberg documentaries and early Pixar shorts

When asked about logistics, the Governor said, “It’s not homelessness if the bus is self-aware.”

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Newsom Nominated for a Grammy

The Governor’s surprise TikTok freestyle, “Kill the Car, Find the Self,” went viral, racking up 83 million views and landing him a Grammy nomination for Best Spoken Word Album.

The track list includes:

1. Autopilot is a Lie

2. My Uber Tried to Gaslight Me

3. Ecofascism with a Side of Ranch

He now leads a movement to make protest an official therapy modality called “traumactivism.”

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Tesla Owners Form Support Group: Shocked & Plugged

Displaced Tesla owners gathered in yoga studios, dog parks, and rooftop kombucha bars to process the devastation. They formed a group called Shocked & Plugged, which aims to create a safe space for grieving their violated vehicles and fantasizing about converting back to gas.

One tech bro tearfully clutched his steering wheel and murmured, “It just wanted to park itself.”

Another tried to trade his Model 3 for a horse named “Validation.”

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“Burning Uber” Planned for Next Week

Newsom has announced plans for a follow-up initiative: Burning Uber, an experiential protest against gig economy trauma. Participants will construct ride-share effigies from old iPhones and take turns demanding five-star ratings from strangers in therapy robes.

When asked if this movement might spiral out of control, the Governor replied, “California is not a state. It’s an emotional arc.”

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Helpful Content for Readers: How to Reimagine Policy as Catharsis

If you too are a policymaker looking to unleash chaos in the name of progress, here’s some practical advice:

• Replace legislation with vibes.

• Staff your administration with people who start every sentence with “As an empath…”

• Redefine destruction as healing, and healing as interpretive sabotage.

• Always have a goat on standby. Just in case.

Because when society stops working, you don’t fix it—you host a drum circle and hope for rain.

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Funny Disclaimer

This article is a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings—the world’s oldest tenured professor and a 20-year-old philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No AI was harmed, though several Teslas are currently undergoing therapy. Everything in here is satire, which is California’s most renewable energy.

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What the Funny People Are Saying

“Newsom freed the mentally ill to smash Teslas. Finally, someone who understands California zoning laws.”
— Jerry Seinfeld

“I don’t trust any car that’s smarter than me and still can’t parallel park without a panic attack.”
— Ron White

“Elon Musk called the riot ‘performance art.’ Bro, if getting your car stomped counts as art, then my ex is Jackson Pollock with a tire iron.”
— Amy Schumer

“Only in California can you get prescribed lithium one week and smash lithium batteries the next.”
— Chris Rock

“Destroy Tesla Tuesday? That used to be called family court.”
— Larry David

“I tried hugging a Tesla once. It locked the doors and filed a restraining order.”
— Sarah Silverman

“Newsom says this was healing? When I tried smashing a Tesla, I got banned from the Whole Foods parking lot for a week!”
— Roseanne Barr

“A Cybertruck got flipped over by a guy in a bathrobe with a dream catcher. I haven’t seen symbolism that raw since Burning Man.”
— Billy Crystal

“You know it’s bad when a guy with no pants, a kazoo, and a therapy goat has a better climate policy than Congress.”
— Jackie Mason

“Elon should’ve seen this coming. The warning was literally on the dash in Latin: In lithium, veritas.”
— Jon Stewart

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