WASHINGTON, DC — It started with a gaze. Not just a casual glance. Not a seductive peek. No, this was Sticky Eyes—a term now trademarked by Coach Allie “The Oracle” Everhart, a professional dating coach who charges $299.99 for a Zoom seminar and accepts payment in either Venmo or self-loathing.

In a world of dating apps, ghosting, zombie-ing, and emotionally unavailable men named “Chad,” Coach Allie’s secret weapon is simple: Stare directly into their soul until they either love you or file a restraining order.

What the Funny People Are Saying

“Sticky Eyes? We used to call that ‘creepy guy at Applebee’s.’” — Jerry Seinfeld
“I tried that look once. My wife thought I had a stroke.” — Ron White
“If a man stares at me for 20 seconds, I assume he’s either into me or trying to remember where he parked.” — Amy Schumer
“When I date now, I just leave my eyes at home. Less pressure.” — Larry David

The AT20 Method: 20 Seconds of Flirting or Felony?

According to Coach Allie’s viral TikTok, the secret to becoming “irresistible” is called the AT20 Rule: Approach Them and Make 20 Seconds of Eye Contact.

That’s right. In the age of ADHD, screen fatigue, and people who won’t even look up from their phones at funerals, you are now expected to lock eyes for an entire third of a minute.

Coach Allie explains it like this:

“If you maintain deep eye contact for 20 seconds, you create vulnerability, emotional resonance, and the illusion that you actually care about other human beings.”

Critics argue it creates something else: panic.

Scientific Support: A Study Conducted in an Escape Room

Everhart cites a 2023 “study” she conducted in a local escape room where 42 participants were paired up and told to maintain intense eye contact while solving puzzles.
Results were mixed:

• 9 participants fell in love

• 5 broke up mid-puzzle

• 3 filed harassment claims

• 1 married the tour guide

• And 24 pretended to go blind

The study was later published in the prestigious journal Cosmo Psychology Quarterly (a stickered zine she mails to herself every month).

Why Pay $300 for Dating Advice When You Can Just Be Rich?

The dating coach industry is now worth over $11 billion, according to a poll we just made up but sounds about right.

And it’s booming. Why?

Because single people are now told that dating is a skill, like neurosurgery or making a good omelet. And if you’re single past 30? Oh, honey. That’s not an accident. That’s a branding failure.

Coach Allie’s top-selling course, “Flirt Like a Ferret: Secrets to Magnetic Confidence,” teaches men and women how to weaponize eye contact, posture, and selective muteness.

Her second-best seller: “Daddy Energy: Harnessing Paternal Vibes Without Paying Child Support.”

Daddy Energy? Yes. That’s Real Now.

Coach Allie claims women aren’t looking for nice guys or hot guys. They want “Daddy energy.” Which means: protective, powerful, emotionally unavailable, and mysteriously good at grilling.

“He doesn’t call back. He doesn’t text ‘good morning.’ But when the sink breaks, he stares at it like it insulted his truck.”
— Coach Allie, while holding a mug that reads “Emotionally Aloof, Sexually Magnetic”

According to a YouGov survey that absolutely doesn’t exist, 62% of single women admit they’re looking for men who “make them feel safe and slightly judged.”

Public Reactions: Confusion, Denial, and Overdosing on Eye Contact

We hit the streets to get real feedback from people who’ve tried the Sticky Eyes Method. Here’s what they had to say:

• Caitlin, 27, barista: “I used the eye contact technique on my date. He asked if I was trying to hypnotize him into joining a cult.”

• Brian, 32, HVAC technician: “I stared for 20 seconds. She called the bartender over. I think I might be banned from that Chili’s now.”

• Denise, 44, spiritual doula: “He stared for 20 seconds and said, ‘You have an old soul.’ So now we’re engaged.”

Why Flirting Now Requires a Flowchart

According to the National Flirting Institute (which is just a guy named Greg in Fort Worth), the average date involves over 73 micro-decisions, including:

• How long to hold eye contact

• When to laugh

• Whether or not to use the word “vibe” unironically

• If you should reference astrology before or after dessert

This has led to a nationwide shortage of spontaneity.

Psychologist Dr. Lena Pretzelstein of the University of Southern Realness explains:

“Dating used to be about connection. Now it’s about strategy, posture, and pretending to be emotionally unavailable while maintaining eye moisture.”

Case Study: Three Men, One Calendar

Coach Allie advises women to date three men at once—a practice known as “Rotational Dating” or, in Texas, “Running the Bachelor Gauntlet.”

One client, Megan, 33, shared her experience:

“I had coffee with Jeff, lunch with Brad, and dinner with Marcus. I called one of them ‘Derek’ by mistake, and now all three of them are in a group chat trying to schedule a duel.”

Megan later married her Uber driver, who said almost nothing and gave her “real daddy energy.”

Statistics: Made Up but Emotionally True

A new survey conducted by The Institute for Sensual Economics (funded by Coach Allie) revealed:

• 78% of singles think dating feels like a job interview

• 49% say they would rather rewatch The Notebook with their ex than try Bumble again

• 33% believe “romance is dead, but thirst traps are immortal”

• And 11% have joined cults by accident while trying to meet “emotionally evolved men”

The Secret to Being Irresistible Is… Confusion

At the heart of Coach Allie’s strategy is calculated unpredictability. Send mixed signals. Stare, but not too long. Compliment, but with mystery.

“Tell her she has ‘oceanic intuition.’ Then vanish for three days.”
— Excerpt from Allie’s new book: “The Soft Launch Relationship”

By creating a vibe of low-key psychological warfare, you’re ensuring the other person is so disoriented they mistake your weirdness for intrigue.

Texting Rules: War and Peace, but Hornier

Texting etiquette, according to dating coaches, now includes:

• Never reply instantly (shows desperation)

• Never wait too long (shows disinterest)

• Use exactly one emoji—preferably the smirking cat

• Don’t use a period unless you’re mad

• Don’t ask “how was your day?” That’s for married people and detectives

A leaked Slack message from Coach Allie’s team says:

“Only initiate text after 7:13 p.m., ideally with a vague question like ‘Do you believe in fate?’”

Helpful Content for Our Lonely Readers

Dear SpinTaxi readers, here are 5 helpful (but deeply sarcastic) dating tips to help you survive the Sticky Eyes Era:

1. Practice Eye Contact with a Mannequin: If you can maintain 20 seconds without crying or laughing, you’re halfway there.

2. Start a Romantic Spreadsheet: Track dates, eye contact duration, and whether or not he used the word “synergy.”

3. Develop Mystery by Speaking in Riddles: Say things like, “I’ve never been to Paris, but my heart’s been mugged there.”

4. Text Like a 16th Century Merchant: “Milady, your visage doth haunt my waking thoughts.” (Modern translation: “U up?”)

5. Build Confidence by Pretending You’re Already Married: Nothing is more attractive than someone who behaves like they’ve already seen your worst side and stayed.

Real Experts We Invented for Credibility

• Dr. Rex Flanagan, Love Economist: “Love, like bitcoin, is confusing, volatile, and often ends in bankruptcy.”

• Claire Moon, Astrological Intimacy Consultant: “Sticky eyes are fine, but don’t lock gazes during Mercury Retrograde unless you want to fall in love with your tax preparer.”

• Tino Vega, Personal Branding Coach for Horny Millennials: “If your eye contact isn’t monetized, are you even flirting?”

And What If It Doesn’t Work?

If the Sticky Eyes method doesn’t work, Coach Allie recommends trying The Slow Burn—a technique where you ignore someone for three months and then resurface with a vague meme and the phrase “Hey, stranger…”

You know. The old classic.

Or you can take the high-value route: Just stop dating altogether and post filtered selfies with captions like “Healing. Growing. Glowing.” Which is code for “No one texted me back this week.”

Final Thoughts: Romance Is a Performance Art

Let’s be honest. Dating in 2025 is less about connection and more about vibes, algorithms, and never appearing too eager—even if you’re literally screaming into a pillow between dates.

Coach Allie’s Sticky Eyes empire is just one piece of a larger puzzle where attraction is engineered, authenticity is staged, and everyone’s pretending not to care while desperately refreshing their inbox.

And yet… hope remains.

Sometimes, a glance across a crowded Whole Foods aisle, just past the quinoa, still has magic. Especially if it’s followed by a 20-second stare and a whispered, “Your energy feels like recycled rainwater.”

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Disclaimer:

This article is a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world’s oldest tenured professor and a 20-year-old philosophy major turned dairy farmer. All quotes, studies, and characters are completely fabricated or heavily exaggerated for satirical purposes. No dating coaches were harmed in the making of this piece, though several did make prolonged eye contact with a barista and were politely asked to leave.

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