Columbia University Officially Denounces Marx, Lenin, Kombucha, and Feelings

Columbia University’s New Era of Practical Pretending Begins

New York, NY — Following an open letter from Donald Trump, a Fox News countdown clock, and what historians are already calling “The Most Aggressive Alumni Fundraiser in Human History,” Columbia University has taken bold and unprecedented steps: it has renounced Marx, un-invited Lenin (even from thought experiments), and started issuing syllabi printed on beef jerky for easier student digestion.

The university’s new slogan? “Veritas, But With Limits.”

In what critics are calling “a complete ideological exfoliation,” Columbia has formally ended over 50 allegedly liberal policies. Below is a complete list of these abolished practices, as collected from administrative memos, protest signs, faculty group chats, and the unverified but always accurate gossip of Columbia’s Student TikTok Senate.

“Columbia banning Karl Marx? Next they’ll cancel Algebra for being too close to Al Jazeera.” — Dave Chappelle

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50+ Liberal Policies Columbia Has Publicly Unplugged, Cancelled, or Quiet Quit

1. Banning Meat in the Cafeteria

Meat is back on the menu, and not just meat—offensively large meat. Chicken-fried steak now comes with a side of smaller chicken-fried steaks. A single meatball in the student union weighs 4.2 pounds and was named honorary dean of Business Ethics.

“We simply decided students should be allowed to chew their beliefs,” said the new Dining Services Director, Guy Fieri III.

2. Preferred Pronouns in Email Signatures

Email signatures have been replaced with “Guess who?” and a mandatory emoji wheel. Columbia clarified: “We’re just going to vibe it out from here.”

3. Mandatory Feelings Circles

All “Feelings Friday” circles have been canceled. Instead, students must now write haikus about their emotions and bury them near the Hudson.

“Crying in public is still allowed,” clarified one R.A., “but it better be in iambic pentameter.”

4. Courses Titled After Philosophers Who Never Had Jobs

Courses like “Derrida and the Crisis of the Sandwich” and “Heidegger and the Ethics of Skipping Class” have been removed. They were replaced with “Plumbing 101: Tools, Trauma, and Teflon.”

5. Petition-Based Degrees

Students may no longer graduate just by organizing a successful protest against graduation.

6. The Sustainability of Sustainable Studies

The Department of Environmental Meta-Studies has been folded into the Business School and now goes by “Greenwashing 204.”

7. Marxist Dorms

The “Karl Marx Co-Op for Proletarian Resilience” has been renamed “Jeff’s Hall.” All residents now pay equally for rent, but Jeff gets the penthouse for “emotional leadership.”

8. Guilt-Based Grading

Students will now be graded on performance, not intention. “Crying during an exam may still help, but only if it’s on-topic,” said the Dean of Crying.

9. Campus-Wide Vegan Thursdays

Replaced by “Carnivore Karaoke Wednesdays,” during which students sing Sinatra while consuming ribs.

10. Unisex Bathrooms with Climate Poetry

Bathrooms now feature separate doors again. Each is labeled “People Who Really Have to Pee” and “People Who Are Just Here to Think About Inequality.”

11. Transcendent Gardening as a Major

The university’s only course requiring barefoot lectures and compost-based grading has been replaced with “Intro to Lawn Care and Capitalism.”

12. The Equity Laser Tag League

Gone. Replaced with competitive debate, dodgeball, and Capture the Flag—but with an actual flag.

13. Compost-Only Diplomas

Previously, all Columbia diplomas were biodegradable and could double as mulch. Now, they’re etched in marble and weigh six pounds.

14. University-Wide Safe Spaces

All “Safe Space Zones” have been converted into “Risk Awareness Lounges” where people are free to yell “Devil’s Advocate!” at any time.

15. Vibe-Based Hiring

The university ended its “Vibe Interviewing System,” where hiring decisions were made based on “aural resonance” and “third-eye alignment.”

16. No-Capitalism Zones

Previously, students could declare a 10-foot-radius around them as a “Capitalism-Free Bubble.” These have been deflated.

17. Therapy Goats in Lecture Halls

The therapy goats have been reassigned to ROTC.

18. Mandatory Identity Journals

Journals have been replaced with a single worksheet: “What’s Your Deal?” Multiple choice, four questions.

What the Funny People Are Saying

“Columbia says they’re apolitical now, which means the bake sale is $40,000 a cupcake again.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“I went to Columbia once. I came back with a degree in interpretive sighing and a $300,000 debt. Worth it?” — Amy Schumer

“They banned pronouns but gave tenure to a guy named ‘Dr. They/Them.’ Irony is now its own department.” — Chris Rock

“Columbia banning Karl Marx? That’s like a fish banning water because it’s too wet with ideology.”
— Dave Chappelle

“They replaced the safe spaces with dodgeball courts. Nothing says ‘emotional maturity’ like hurling red rubber at a philosophy major named Sage.”
— Amy Schumer

“Columbia now requires pants on campus. You know things are bad when that’s considered a major cultural shift.”
— Jerry Seinfeld

“I visited Columbia last year and got a parking ticket for misgendering a tree. Now they’re handing out steaks like it’s Texas Roadhouse Night.”
— Chris Rock

“Students used to identify as non-meat-consuming post-binary starch-intuitives. Now they identify as ‘hungry.’ Progress?”
— Ron White

“So let me get this straight: They replaced Gender Fluid Yoga with something called ‘Tactical Masculinity 101’? That’s not reform—that’s a Netflix pitch!”
— Sarah Silverman

“First they banned pronouns, then they banned kombucha. I’m telling you, the communists are losing control of brunch.”
— Bill Burr

“Columbia’s new motto is ‘Veritas, But With Limits.’ That used to be my Wi-Fi password.”
— Marc Maron

“The protest signs went from ‘End Oppression’ to ‘Where’s the Bacon?’ I haven’t seen a pivot that fast since my ex found my burner account.”
— Michelle Wolf

“If you look close enough, every Columbia student has a look that says, ‘I spent $300k to unlearn what I already believed.’”
— Hasan Minhaj

“One day they’re rewriting the Constitution in interpretive dance, the next they’re hosting a Ben Shapiro lookalike contest. I can’t keep up.”
— Patton Oswalt

“They said they were going back to basics. I didn’t realize ‘basics’ meant meat, pants, and yelling about the Constitution in Econ class.”
— Tig Notaro

“I studied philosophy at Columbia. Now they’ve replaced Kant with Cattle Management. Honestly, same level of confusion.”
— Nate Bargatze

“Columbia students used to major in Critical Whining Theory. Now they major in Applied Complaining with a minor in Steak Management.”
— Joe Rogan (honorary inclusion for chaos)

“They got rid of therapy goats and replaced them with robot RAs. So… same emotional intelligence, fewer droppings.”
— Whitney Cummings

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Columbia’s New Programs: Pragmatism with a Patriotic Flair

In a surprising pivot, Columbia introduced several new departments and initiatives:

• Department of Fiscal Resentment

• School of Red Meat Economics

• Gender Studies (Rebooted as “Men, Women, and the Mystery of Eye Contact”)

• The Ben Shapiro Visiting Fellowship in Speed Talking

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Student Reaction: Hysterical Acceptance

Students split into two groups:

• Group A: Started irony-based hunger strikes in protest.

• Group B: Monetized their outrage via branded TikToks.

A recent survey of students revealed:

• 74% were “confused but curious”

• 16% thought the new rules were “an elaborate performance art piece”

• 10% believed Columbia was just rebooting as DeVry

One sophomore wrote in her protest zine:

“It’s like watching your favorite indie band sell out… and then play better music.”

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Faculty Testimony: Existential Whiplash

Professor Marcy Vibe-Weathers, who once taught “Silence as Resistance,” now teaches “Accounting for Startups” and says:

“It’s jarring. I used to grade papers by sniffing the margins for activism. Now I use a rubric.”

Professor Brent McSullivan, tenured in “Rhetorical Wokeness,” was relocated to the athletic department as a mascot consultant.

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Alumni Engagement Hits All-Time High

Donations spiked 780% after Columbia issued a public statement: “We regret the past… but not too loudly.”

One alum wrote: “This is the first time I’ve felt proud of Columbia since they banned competitive clapping in 2018.”

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The Politics of Pretend Progress

Critics say Columbia is just pivoting to survive.

Dr. Shellie Glumm, political analyst, said:

“What Columbia’s doing isn’t really about left or right—it’s about preserving institutional power by appearing to ‘correct’ course.”

Polls show that 61% of Americans think Columbia’s “overcorrection” is “a bit much,” while 29% believe it’s “a prank” and 10% said, “Columbia’s in South Carolina, right?”

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Helpful Content for Our Satirical Readers

If your university is considering a similar pivot, here’s what you’ll need:

• Hire at least one economist who yells.

• Fire the mime professor. He’s too quiet to defend himself anyway.

• Convert the Gender Neutral Dorm into a Mixed Martial Arts Arena.

• Rename the Humanities building “The Market Decides Hall.”

• Replace thesis papers with Shark Tank-style pitches.

• Train all professors to speak in either Biblical parables or Joe Rogan soundbites.

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The Real Irony: Columbia Hasn’t Actually Changed That Much

Despite the headlines and press releases, several things remain untouched:

• Tuition: Still $76,000 per year. Now includes an “ideological processing fee.”

• Dorms: Still smell like quinoa and regret.

• Graduates: Still end up in Brooklyn working at startups that sell ethical deodorant.

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Final Thoughts: The Pendulum Swings, But the Ivy Doesn’t Fall

Columbia’s about-face may be extreme, but it fits a national pattern: public performance over policy, and satire becoming indistinguishable from strategy.

Whether the school’s decisions were genuine, desperate, ironic, or just the result of AI-generated policy memos remains unclear. What is clear is this:

Columbia now serves steak, gives out grades, and expects pants. That’s something.

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Satirical Disclaimer

This article is a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings—the world’s oldest tenured professor and a 20-year-old philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No algorithms were exploited, no goats were harmed, and no actual Columbia policies were responsibly interpreted in the making of this satire.

For entertainment purposes only. Please do not cancel your university based on this article without first consulting your lawyer, therapist, and barista.

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Keywords: Columbia University, satire, woke culture, campus reform, Trump letter, liberal policies, academic freedom, transgender policy, meat in cafeteria, Marxism, progressive education, safe spaces, parody, higher education, campus politics

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