Pete Davidson’s 18 Tattoos He Refuses to Burn Off: A Commitment to Bad Decisions

America’s Most Inked Ex-Boyfriend Clings to His ‘Worst’ Tattoos

BROOKLYN— After undergoing extensive tattoo removal to erase past relationship regrets, Pete Davidson shocked fans by revealing that he refuses to part with 18 of his most ridiculous tattoos. The SNL alum, known for impulsively inking his body like a high school bathroom stall, told reporters he’s keeping some of his dumbest, least defensible body art.

“Look, some of these tats mean a lot to me,” Davidson explained, sipping an oat milk latte with the phrase “Oat Milk Is For Killers” tattooed across his collarbone. “Just because I was dumb enough to get them doesn’t mean I have to be smart enough to remove them.”

The Idiot Tattoos Pete Davidson Refuses to Burn Off

1. “My Other Tattoo is Also Stupid” – Located on his left forearm, this serves as a warning label for anyone considering taking his ink seriously.

2. “Legalize Ranch” – A tribute to his deep belief that ranch dressing should be a constitutional right.

3. A QR Code That Just Links to His Wikipedia Page – When scanned, it redirects fans to a page that’s updated so frequently, it can’t keep up with his breakups.

4. A Tattoo of a Scratch-and-Sniff Sticker That Doesn’t Actually Smell – It’s a peach-scented sticker design, but it smells like poor life choices.

5. “This Space Available” on His Thigh – Potentially sponsored by Craigslist’s “missed connections” section.

6. Macaulay Culkin’s Face Over His Own Face – “Because Culkin didn’t go through all that Home Alone trauma for nothing,” Davidson explained.

7. “Ariana, Call Me” Written in Invisible Ink – A desperate hope that a blacklight might rekindle old flames.

8. A Full Sleeve of His Favorite Wikipedia Edits – Includes the time someone changed his occupation to “professional rebound.”

9. A Tattoo of Himself Getting a Tattoo of Himself – Davidson calls it his ‘tattooception’ piece.

10. “I’m With Stupid” With an Arrow That Always Points to His Current Girlfriend – A piece that he says “ages well, no matter who’s standing next to me.”

11. A To-Do List That Only Says ‘Stop Getting Tattoos’ – A failed New Year’s resolution from 2019.

12. “Kim Was Here” But It’s Just A Blank Space Now – A faded tribute to his time as Mr. Kardashian #MaybeWhoKnows.

13. A Tramp Stamp That Says ‘Oops’ – “Every tattoo artist laughs when they see it, so it’s staying,” Davidson confirmed.

14. A Dolphin Smoking a Cigarette – “It’s a metaphor for life, man. No one gets it but me,” Davidson muttered, taking a long drag from his vape.

15. A Full-Back Portrait of Lorne Michaels Weeping – Depicts the SNL creator contemplating his life choices after hiring Pete.

16. “Breakup Incoming” Across His Chest – An eerie tattoo that somehow always becomes relevant.

17. A Receipt from an Expensive Dinner He Barely Remembered – Proof that fame doesn’t make “market price” seafood less painful.

18. “I Regret Nothing” Written in Comic Sans – Davidson insists this one is ironic, but nobody believes him.

Davidson’s Final Defense: “Tattoo Removal Hurts More Than My Breakups”

Davidson assured reporters that he’s still getting rid of plenty of ink, but some pieces hold sentimental value—if sentimentality included bad ideas, questionable sobriety, and a total lack of impulse control.

“Look, I gotta leave something for historians to study when they try to figure out what the hell was going on in my 20s,” he added. “Besides, if I laser off every dumb tattoo, what am I gonna do for attention? Start a podcast?”

Davidson’s fans remain divided, with some calling his refusal to remove these masterpieces “a triumph of self-acceptance” and others describing it as “proof he needs a court-appointed life coach.”

As for his exes? Sources close to Ariana Grande, Kim Kardashian, and every woman Davidson has ever dated say they “support his journey, as long as their names aren’t still on his body somewhere.”

Disclaimer

This article was co-written by an 80-year-old with tenure and a 20-year-old philosophy-major-turned-dairy-farmer, neither of whom have tattoos but have made equally questionable life choices. No AI was harmed in the making of this satire, but several tattoo removal specialists are deeply concerned.

BOHINEY SATIRE – A humorous illustration of Pete Davidson showcasing 18 ridiculous tattoos he refuses to remove. The tattoos include ‘My Other Tattoo is Also Stupid’ – bohiney.com

Pete Davidson: America’s Ex-Boyfriend

Why the Cowboys Are America’s Team, but Pete Davidson Is America’s Ex-Boyfriend

In football, the Dallas Cowboys have proudly held the title of “America’s Team” for decades. Love them or hate them, they’re a constant presence in the national conversation, and no matter how many times they disappoint their fans, they always find a way back into our lives.

Enter Pete Davidson, a man who has somehow managed to embody the exact opposite energy of the Cowboys while still achieving an oddly similar cultural status. Where the Cowboys are an enduring institution, Davidson is an endlessly rotating, self-destructing relationship cycle in human form.

The Cowboys disappoint their fans once a year in the playoffs—Pete Davidson disappoints a new girlfriend every six months.

The Cowboys have diehard fans who stick with them through thick and thin—Pete Davidson has ex-girlfriends who regret his tattoos more than they regret dating him.

The Cowboys dominate the NFL conversation despite being unreliable—Pete Davidson dominates tabloids despite being equally unreliable.

So, if the Cowboys are America’s Team, then Pete Davidson is America’s Ex-Boyfriend—a title he has rightfully earned through his unparalleled ability to date, break up, and somehow remain in our collective consciousness.

Pete Davidson: The Human Breakup Announcement

Pete Davidson doesn’t just date people. He turns every relationship into a full-blown media event, like a Super Bowl halftime show where the commercials are all about regret. His love life has been broadcast with the same urgency as election results, and yet, much like American politics, nothing ever really changes.

His romantic history includes an impressive list of exes, including Ariana Grande, Kim Kardashian, Kaia Gerber, Kate Beckinsale, Emily Ratajkowski, and about half of Hollywood’s female population under 40.

For a while, his dating habits were seen as a charming, underdog success story—the average-looking guy who managed to charm the world’s most beautiful women. But now, it has taken a turn. People aren’t asking “Who is Pete Davidson dating next?”—they’re asking “When is Pete Davidson’s next breakup?”

At this point, a Pete Davidson breakup announcement is as inevitable as:

A Cowboys playoff meltdown
A New York City subway delay
A new Marvel movie no one asked for

Pete Davidson has officially transitioned from boyfriend material to America’s most famous ex.

The Dallas Cowboys vs. Pete Davidson: A Side-by-Side Comparison

Category	Dallas Cowboys	Pete Davidson
Status	America’s Team	America’s Ex-Boyfriend
Disappoints Fans/Girlfriends	Once a year in the playoffs	Every six months
Loyalty	Has die-hard fans	Has die-hard regretful exes
Comeback Factor	Always back in the conversation	Always back in the tabloids
Jersey/Tattoo Regret	Cowboys fans still wear their jerseys after heartbreak	Pete’s exes still regret their name on his body
Odds of Winning a Ring	Unclear, but unlikely	Pete has given out more rings than the Cowboys have won in 25 years

At least Cowboys fans can hold onto nostalgia—they won Super Bowls in the 90s. Pete Davidson’s exes don’t even get a commemorative jersey, just the painful realization that their name is still tattooed on his chest.

Why America Keeps Taking Pete Back

So why do we keep coming back to Pete Davidson, just like Cowboys fans keep tuning in every Sunday?

He’s Lovable in a “This Is a Bad Idea” Kind of Way
- Every new Pete Davidson relationship starts like a feel-good underdog story, where we all root for him, before realizing it’s a doomed playoff run.
He Makes Breakups Look Like Achievements
- Pete Davidson doesn’t just break up—he elevates breaking up to an art form. His breakups trend harder than his relationships.
He’s Proof That Impulse Decisions Are Fun (Until They Aren’t)
- Getting a tattoo of your girlfriend’s name sounds romantic at first—until it’s your fifth cover-up session at the laser removal clinic.
He Always Ends Up in a Bigger Relationship
- Pete Davidson moves up the dating ladder like he’s trying to win a Super Bowl ring. His rebound game is undefeated.
He’s America’s Most Relatable Mistake
- Let’s be honest—we’ve all made questionable romantic decisions. Pete Davidson just makes his in high definition.

Will Pete Ever Retire From Being America’s Ex?

The Cowboys have been America’s Team for over 50 years and show no signs of losing that title. But what about Pete? Will he ever retire from his ex-boyfriend status and settle down?

“I’m working on myself,” Pete has said in various interviews—right before dating someone new.

At this rate, America’s Ex-Boyfriend will hold his title for the foreseeable future. And just like Cowboys fans watching another season unfold, we all know another high-profile breakup is right around the corner.

America’s Team. America’s Ex-Boyfriend. Some things just never change.